it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
