I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My life is pants optional.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
