the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
