YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
