she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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