you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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