I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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