At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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