Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
