It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
