Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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