I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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