ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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