I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
