Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Congratulations! We have a period
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
