If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
