by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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