I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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