tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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