What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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