We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.