I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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