I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
