I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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