just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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