I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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