Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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