Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
