Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
