Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He better not be in your backpack
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
