i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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