I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
