Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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