he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.