Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
