I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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