He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I could fuck to npr.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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