Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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