Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
