I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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