i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
