We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
