How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
