If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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