Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
