I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
