So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
