You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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