The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
