It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
