but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
