there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
