Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless