i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.