my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.