after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Never joke about your clitoris.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
