So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
