i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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