Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
